We’ve all heard it before.  “One day at a time…”

 That’s a good idea in theory, but hard to put into practice.  We live in such a scheduled society.  We have the illusion that things are in our control.  If we just make a plan, we can follow it.  And then fertility challenges hit.  We no longer know if we can schedule a vacation or make a job change.  Life is put on hold. 

 Take a moment and just breathe.  It is hard to not know the outcome of fertility treatment. 

 You begin to wonder, “What do I know for sure?” 

 You know that you have this moment.  You have choices about how you are going to handle this day. 

 Make this your plan: 

·                     I will take each day as it comes. 

·                     I will wake up and do my best to make healthy choices for myself throughout the day.

·                     I will try not to think too much about the past or about the future because I am staying focused on the activities of today. 

 There are really only a few things we know for sure.  Make this day more peaceful. 

Submitted by Kristin Blackwell, LMSW, counselor at The Fertility Center (June 2009)

Facing the New Year

With the start of a new year, many people are setting goals and trying to be hopeful for things to come in 2009.  But if you are struggling with fertility issues, the new year often comes with a mixture of feelings.   For some, the new year can be a reminder of a year gone by where things may not have happened as you had hoped.  You may be reminded of the ups and downs that have occurred during this past year.  Depending on where you are in your treatment, you may want to set some goals which help you approach your fertility treatment in a renewed way.

Try to do things regularly that bring you pleasure (ie: take a walk outside, sit by the fire with a loved one, buy flowers to put in your home, etc.)   You may need to spend some time thinking about what you enjoy or what brings you happiness.  Consider writing ideas down and picking something daily or weekly to try.

Be realistic about new diet/exercise goals.  This is probably not a good time to make drastic changes in your health.  Making a daily commitment to move more and eat healthier is always a good idea. 

Take advantage of the support around you.  Family and friends are often good support while dealing with fertility challenges.  Sometimes attending a support group or talking to a counselor can be helpful too.  This may be your first time to try a support group or counseling.  Many people find support groups and counseling to be more beneficial than they had thought.   The Fertility Center offers on-site counseling at no cost to our patients.  You may call the office and schedule and appointment at your convenience.

Holidays:

Attend Holiday Parties

DO

Be selective about accepting invitations to parties and holiday celebrations, especially the ones at which you know there will be a lot of children or pregnant women. Remember: you don’t have to say yes.

DON’T

Feel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family events. You’ve had a difficult year, and you need to concentrate on helping yourselves and each other get through the holidays.

Visit Family and Friends

DO

Plan to spend time with other couples or friends who don’t have children-if family festivities are too much to bear this year.

If you find it painful to be around your young nieces, nephews, and cousins, consider arriving just in time for the holiday dinner rather than the night before.

DON’T

Rely completely on old family traditions to fulfill your present needs.

Celebrate

DO

Spend time doing things you like best: preparing a spectacular meal, taking long walks, going horse-back riding or jogging, or curling up by a fire with a good novel.

Plan a special trip for just the two of you-a ski weekend, or a few nights at a cozy country inn. You may have to put up with comments like, “How can you be so selfish?” or “The holiday won’t be the same without you.” But those remarks may be easier to bear than a holiday table packed with children.

Begin your own family traditions: a special ceremony or ritual that says that the two of you are already a family, and that you can rejoice in your love for each other, with or without children.

DON’T

Pretend that there’s nothing wrong and carry on with “business as usual.”

Share Your Feelings

DO

Decide in advance how you will handle difficult and insensitive questions. You may even want to rehearse your answers. (You can decide to be honest with friends and relatives as to why you can’t join certain celebrations and traditions which are just too painful right now).

Express your apprehension to friends and relatives who have given you their love and support during the last year. Be sure to keep in close contact with your friends at RESOLVE; many of them are in the same boat and can understand and offer the support that perhaps your family cannot.

DON’T

Be caught off guard by unexpected or embarrassing questions about your plans for having a family.

Plan your responses, but don’t feel that you have to disclose all the details of your situation either.

Lend a Helping Hand

DO

Try to help others in need. Visit an elderly or bed ridden relative; volunteer at a hospital or nursing home; or participate in a holiday program to help the homeless. Cheering up other victims of the holiday blues has a rejuvenating effect.

DON’T

Close yourself off to positive feelings and new experiences. You may find that you have a special ability to make others feel good, even though you’re not feeling upbeat yourself.

Stay Tuned-In to Each Other’s Needs

DO

Set aside time to share your feelings with each other. Allow yourself to feel sad, deprived or depressed. Infertility is a major life crisis, and you are entitled to those feelings. Talk with each other about your feelings. Your spouse may be able to help you through rough times.

Give yourself, and each other, frequent pats on the back for making it through the holidays. Remember to capture the “spirit” in each holiday which makes it special. Participate in activities which bring meaning to you at this time; create the joy intended in celebrating the holiday for its own sake.

DON’T

Get caught up in the whirlwind of the holidays and forget about each other. You need each other’s comfort more than ever.

Seeking help

DO

Talk to our counselor on staff, Kristen, if you are having difficulty with the holidays and these suggestions are not helping you. As mentioned before, infertility is a major life crisis and not everyone has the support in their family or friends they need. Kristen is here to help and listen to your feelings. There is no charge to you to schedule an appointment with her. Just call our office to set up an appointment at any time.

Call RESOLVE’s National Helpline @ 888-623-0744. Whenever you feel overwhelmed by the holidays, whenever you need someone to talk to, their peer counselors will be happy to listen and to offer RESOLVE resources. Give them a call, you are not alone!!

DON’T

Feel as if there is something “wrong with you” if you need help outside your family and friends. It is difficult for them to know what to say or not to say to a family member or friend that is going through infertility. It may lessen the stress of your time together if you can talk to someone who understands and can listen to you without offering advice.

We hope these suggestions are a help to our patients during this difficult time.  This information is also on the RESOLVE website.