Thoughts on seeking support during fertility treatment

 For many of our patients, infertility treatment is one of the most difficult challenges they face.  The uncertainty about the outcome coupled with the importance of having children, causes people to experience a wide range of feelings.  Sometimes people feel hopeful when they begin to see a fertility specialist.  They feel that coming to the specialist must be the answer.  However, if positive results don’t happen quickly, hope begins to diminish and worry sets in. 

 You are not alone.  Most of the things people think and feel during treatment are normal.  For many patients, weathering the emotional ups and downs of treatment can be difficult over time.  At times, the stress of going through treatment can even effect people’s marriages, jobs and relationships with others.

 Because infertility is such a personal issue, patients may hesitate to discuss their feelings with others.  Many patients talk themselves out of coming to see a counselor thinking that they can deal with treatment on their own.  However, patients who participate in even just a couple of counseling sessions often report that they feel much better while trying to get pregnant.   Many people find it helpful to speak with someone who understands and can provide assurance that their feelings are normal.   Family, friends, support groups and religious leaders can also provide insight and comfort during this time.

 The Fertility Center offers counseling at no cost in the Grand Rapids office to help people sort through the variety of feelings they are experiencing.   An experienced counselor can give indivualized ideas on how to get through treatment in a healthy way.   Seeking help during difficult times is a wise idea.  Taking care of our emotions is an important part of an over all wellness plan.

Sumbitted by Kristin Blackwell, LMSW, Counselor at the Fertility Center (March 2009)

We understand how devastating a pregancy loss is and want to offer support to you during this time.  Losing a baby is especially difficult for couples who have struggled with infertility.   

What to expect the next few weeks:

 ·                    Right now you may be in shock and feel tearful much of the time.  This is normal. 

·                    People tend to experience grief in stages.  Expect that your feelings will change over time and that most people experiencing pregnancy loss feel similiar feelings.

·                    You may or may not want to talk to others about what has happened.  Feel free to talk as much or as little as you are comfortable.  You may want to let others know if you are up for talking.

·                    You, as a couple, may have different reactions to your loss.  Be patient with one another.  You will each have good days and bad days.

·                    Let others know if there are specific things that you need.  People are looking for ways to help and you may benefit from giving them some responsibilbity now to ease your load.

·                    If you wish, you can name the baby or create memories that remind you of your baby.  This can help you as you think or talk about your baby in the future.

 There is a lot of information about healing following a pregnancy loss.  If you feel up to reading, you may want to find a good book or go on the internet to find more helpful suggestions on dealing with your grief.  It may also help to hear that there are other people who have shared a similiar experience.

 We have an on-site counselor in the Grand Rapids office who can meet with you individually or as a couple free of charge.  She is also available by phone if you are unable to come in person.  Many of our patients find that it is helpful to talk to someone during this difficult time.  Please call the Grand Rapids office (616-988-2229) to schedule an appointment if you would like.

Submitted by Kristin Blackwell, LMSW, counselor at the Fertility Center (March 2009)

Facing the New Year

With the start of a new year, many people are setting goals and trying to be hopeful for things to come in 2009.  But if you are struggling with fertility issues, the new year often comes with a mixture of feelings.   For some, the new year can be a reminder of a year gone by where things may not have happened as you had hoped.  You may be reminded of the ups and downs that have occurred during this past year.  Depending on where you are in your treatment, you may want to set some goals which help you approach your fertility treatment in a renewed way.

Try to do things regularly that bring you pleasure (ie: take a walk outside, sit by the fire with a loved one, buy flowers to put in your home, etc.)   You may need to spend some time thinking about what you enjoy or what brings you happiness.  Consider writing ideas down and picking something daily or weekly to try.

Be realistic about new diet/exercise goals.  This is probably not a good time to make drastic changes in your health.  Making a daily commitment to move more and eat healthier is always a good idea. 

Take advantage of the support around you.  Family and friends are often good support while dealing with fertility challenges.  Sometimes attending a support group or talking to a counselor can be helpful too.  This may be your first time to try a support group or counseling.  Many people find support groups and counseling to be more beneficial than they had thought.   The Fertility Center offers on-site counseling at no cost to our patients.  You may call the office and schedule and appointment at your convenience.

Holidays:

Attend Holiday Parties

DO

Be selective about accepting invitations to parties and holiday celebrations, especially the ones at which you know there will be a lot of children or pregnant women. Remember: you don’t have to say yes.

DON’T

Feel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family events. You’ve had a difficult year, and you need to concentrate on helping yourselves and each other get through the holidays.

Visit Family and Friends

DO

Plan to spend time with other couples or friends who don’t have children-if family festivities are too much to bear this year.

If you find it painful to be around your young nieces, nephews, and cousins, consider arriving just in time for the holiday dinner rather than the night before.

DON’T

Rely completely on old family traditions to fulfill your present needs.

Celebrate

DO

Spend time doing things you like best: preparing a spectacular meal, taking long walks, going horse-back riding or jogging, or curling up by a fire with a good novel.

Plan a special trip for just the two of you-a ski weekend, or a few nights at a cozy country inn. You may have to put up with comments like, “How can you be so selfish?” or “The holiday won’t be the same without you.” But those remarks may be easier to bear than a holiday table packed with children.

Begin your own family traditions: a special ceremony or ritual that says that the two of you are already a family, and that you can rejoice in your love for each other, with or without children.

DON’T

Pretend that there’s nothing wrong and carry on with “business as usual.”

Share Your Feelings

DO

Decide in advance how you will handle difficult and insensitive questions. You may even want to rehearse your answers. (You can decide to be honest with friends and relatives as to why you can’t join certain celebrations and traditions which are just too painful right now).

Express your apprehension to friends and relatives who have given you their love and support during the last year. Be sure to keep in close contact with your friends at RESOLVE; many of them are in the same boat and can understand and offer the support that perhaps your family cannot.

DON’T

Be caught off guard by unexpected or embarrassing questions about your plans for having a family.

Plan your responses, but don’t feel that you have to disclose all the details of your situation either.

Lend a Helping Hand

DO

Try to help others in need. Visit an elderly or bed ridden relative; volunteer at a hospital or nursing home; or participate in a holiday program to help the homeless. Cheering up other victims of the holiday blues has a rejuvenating effect.

DON’T

Close yourself off to positive feelings and new experiences. You may find that you have a special ability to make others feel good, even though you’re not feeling upbeat yourself.

Stay Tuned-In to Each Other’s Needs

DO

Set aside time to share your feelings with each other. Allow yourself to feel sad, deprived or depressed. Infertility is a major life crisis, and you are entitled to those feelings. Talk with each other about your feelings. Your spouse may be able to help you through rough times.

Give yourself, and each other, frequent pats on the back for making it through the holidays. Remember to capture the “spirit” in each holiday which makes it special. Participate in activities which bring meaning to you at this time; create the joy intended in celebrating the holiday for its own sake.

DON’T

Get caught up in the whirlwind of the holidays and forget about each other. You need each other’s comfort more than ever.

Seeking help

DO

Talk to our counselor on staff, Kristen, if you are having difficulty with the holidays and these suggestions are not helping you. As mentioned before, infertility is a major life crisis and not everyone has the support in their family or friends they need. Kristen is here to help and listen to your feelings. There is no charge to you to schedule an appointment with her. Just call our office to set up an appointment at any time.

Call RESOLVE’s National Helpline @ 888-623-0744. Whenever you feel overwhelmed by the holidays, whenever you need someone to talk to, their peer counselors will be happy to listen and to offer RESOLVE resources. Give them a call, you are not alone!!

DON’T

Feel as if there is something “wrong with you” if you need help outside your family and friends. It is difficult for them to know what to say or not to say to a family member or friend that is going through infertility. It may lessen the stress of your time together if you can talk to someone who understands and can listen to you without offering advice.

We hope these suggestions are a help to our patients during this difficult time.  This information is also on the RESOLVE website.