Holidays:
Attend Holiday Parties
DO
Be selective about accepting invitations to parties and holiday celebrations, especially the ones at which you know there will be a lot of children or pregnant women. Remember: you don’t have to say yes.
DON’T
Feel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family events. You’ve had a difficult year, and you need to concentrate on helping yourselves and each other get through the holidays.
Visit Family and Friends
DO
Plan to spend time with other couples or friends who don’t have children-if family festivities are too much to bear this year.
If you find it painful to be around your young nieces, nephews, and cousins, consider arriving just in time for the holiday dinner rather than the night before.
DON’T
Rely completely on old family traditions to fulfill your present needs.
Celebrate
DO
Spend time doing things you like best: preparing a spectacular meal, taking long walks, going horse-back riding or jogging, or curling up by a fire with a good novel.
Plan a special trip for just the two of you-a ski weekend, or a few nights at a cozy country inn. You may have to put up with comments like, “How can you be so selfish?” or “The holiday won’t be the same without you.” But those remarks may be easier to bear than a holiday table packed with children.
Begin your own family traditions: a special ceremony or ritual that says that the two of you are already a family, and that you can rejoice in your love for each other, with or without children.
DON’T
Pretend that there’s nothing wrong and carry on with “business as usual.”
Share Your Feelings
DO
Decide in advance how you will handle difficult and insensitive questions. You may even want to rehearse your answers. (You can decide to be honest with friends and relatives as to why you can’t join certain celebrations and traditions which are just too painful right now).
Express your apprehension to friends and relatives who have given you their love and support during the last year. Be sure to keep in close contact with your friends at RESOLVE; many of them are in the same boat and can understand and offer the support that perhaps your family cannot.
DON’T
Be caught off guard by unexpected or embarrassing questions about your plans for having a family.
Plan your responses, but don’t feel that you have to disclose all the details of your situation either.
Lend a Helping Hand
DO
Try to help others in need. Visit an elderly or bed ridden relative; volunteer at a hospital or nursing home; or participate in a holiday program to help the homeless. Cheering up other victims of the holiday blues has a rejuvenating effect.
DON’T
Close yourself off to positive feelings and new experiences. You may find that you have a special ability to make others feel good, even though you’re not feeling upbeat yourself.
Stay Tuned-In to Each Other’s Needs
DO
Set aside time to share your feelings with each other. Allow yourself to feel sad, deprived or depressed. Infertility is a major life crisis, and you are entitled to those feelings. Talk with each other about your feelings. Your spouse may be able to help you through rough times.
Give yourself, and each other, frequent pats on the back for making it through the holidays. Remember to capture the “spirit” in each holiday which makes it special. Participate in activities which bring meaning to you at this time; create the joy intended in celebrating the holiday for its own sake.
DON’T
Get caught up in the whirlwind of the holidays and forget about each other. You need each other’s comfort more than ever.
Seeking help
DO
Talk to our counselor on staff, Kristen, if you are having difficulty with the holidays and these suggestions are not helping you. As mentioned before, infertility is a major life crisis and not everyone has the support in their family or friends they need. Kristen is here to help and listen to your feelings. There is no charge to you to schedule an appointment with her. Just call our office to set up an appointment at any time.
Call RESOLVE’s National Helpline @ 888-623-0744. Whenever you feel overwhelmed by the holidays, whenever you need someone to talk to, their peer counselors will be happy to listen and to offer RESOLVE resources. Give them a call, you are not alone!!
DON’T
Feel as if there is something “wrong with you” if you need help outside your family and friends. It is difficult for them to know what to say or not to say to a family member or friend that is going through infertility. It may lessen the stress of your time together if you can talk to someone who understands and can listen to you without offering advice.
We hope these suggestions are a help to our patients during this difficult time. This information is also on the RESOLVE website.
